Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
