i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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