I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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