A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
