I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
