and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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