I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
