New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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