No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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