even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
