the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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