So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
