It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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