I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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