I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
