you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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