dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
