Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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