I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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