i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
