I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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