Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
false alarm, still single
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
