literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize