I just threw up on my dentist
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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