Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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