Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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