Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
