i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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