There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
