FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
