12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
