i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
