a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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