I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
