So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
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Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.