I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
