My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
