my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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