i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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