He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
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