Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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