I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
