just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
