: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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