Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
