I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
