Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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