I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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