I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This baby is an asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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