You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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