Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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