Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
