It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
