According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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