Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
