is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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