Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
