i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
