They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
