Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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