I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
