11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize