Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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