Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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