im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
